Wednesday, March 31, 2010
oh sooooooooo much better.
That's pretty much it. My fog has lifted both emotionally and physically. This weather makes it good to be alive. Short work week. Fun weekend plans. Best friend's baby on the way as I type. Good stuff, world. Thank you for it all!
Monday, March 29, 2010
hahahahahah
I always enter my new docs info into my Outlook when I get their card and I was just doing that for my radiology dr. and realized that for all my doctors I put "Dr. so and so MC" instead of MD.
So apparantly all my doctors are also DJ's. Holla!!!!!!
So apparantly all my doctors are also DJ's. Holla!!!!!!
shell shocked.
Man. That was not fun at ALL! It took me until about 11:00 today to even come close to feeling like myself and I'm still not there. I wasn't expecting such an intense time.
I could recap day by day but we don't need to take a day trip to Snooze County. It was just a really bad few days. I've had TWO bad days before but not 5 in a row. Low grade up and down fever from about Wednesday night until Saturday late. Had another one of those 4:00 am "is this what dying feels like?" moments on Friday. That is a terribly selfish thing to say because I am CERTAIN my fever and aches are no comparison to the pain and fear millions of people go through daily, but when you are on meds, scared, tired and sick it's hard not to think a little on the dark side. (Just had a lovely vision of Hixx singing On the Dark Side at karaoke years ago...that made me smile).
Jason was very nervous every time I would sit up in bed and groan and then take my temp. I've come to learn that he really fears and hates fevers. I know he was gearing up for an ER trip every time that stupid thermom was in my mouth. The thing is they say don't come in if fever is under 100 but the minute it hits 101 get your butt into the ER so it's these crazy Vegas style odds but not as fun and glittery and CERTAINLY no roller coasters or pools in wacky shapes. So that thermometer became my enemy and best friend all at once. I still can hear its stupid beeping in my head. It's like NAM!!!!!! hahaha it's not like Nam.
I would lay on the futon (special sick time bed) and email my dad from my phone with almost hourly updates. Not telling him or Jason how bad I was feeling would have saved them both some stress but it felt dangerous to lie or play it down.
So then on Saturday the fever started to go down a smidge and then the bone pain started in every inch of my body and I lost it. Matt and Anne and Elizabeth were on their way over to check on us and say hi and about 2 minutes before they got there I lost my mind and started bawling on Jason. Like a crazy person. All of a sudden HAD to have my wig on even though everyone has seen me without it. And I just cried and cried and RIGHT then the doorbell rang so I ran into the bathroom to try and get it together. I was trying to put on make up but couldn't because my eyes were just squirting water. And they truly looked crazy to me. I'm sure that was the meds but I wanted to get that down on blog paper because it was such an odd moment with myself, alone. My friend Megan had a nightmare once that she was crying so hard that her pupils broke and started leaking black down her face. Of course that didn't happen but it looked like it was about to. Plus I've gained so much face weight from the steroids and non-activity and blech...it was just not me for five terrifying seconds.
I put on my wig and some lipstick and just kind of gave up. Jason and Matt gave Anne and me some time to talk. And in usual Anne form she knew what to do and say. I spilt some beans, like the fact that I have two treatments left gives me zero comfort after this last treatment. I know it's great and almost done but in my head and heart I feel like "What???? I HAVE TWO TREATMENTS LEFT STILL?????". But that will ease and pass I think. Like I said, just a little shaken but not broken or anything.
It will all get done, and in my calmer moments I feel that peace and believe it.
Saturday....not so much.
Everyone did just what their sweet hearts always do....patted my back, held my hand, hugged me, cooked for me, reminded me to take my meds and rest and not push it....so once again I was very much "love bubbled". Thank God. I kept thinking of that woman I met in chemo with stage four bone cancer talking about how she takes a PACE bus to and from her treatments. Who pats her back? Who makes her chicken on the grill? Breaks my heart a million times to think the answer is no one. Hopefully I'm just being dramatic and it's not the answer for her.
SO there you go. DRAMA!!!!!!! But I had to get it all out. Good with the bad and so forth.
I've been thinking a lot of old movies that are terrible but that I love and I keep wanting to find a DVD version of Don't Tell Her It's Me (also released under the name Boyfriend School) starring the Gute and Buffy from Square Pegs. It's about a guy who gets cancer and has chemo and then gets all hot and tan and buff afterwards and pretends to be from New Zealand and learns to ride a motorcycle (roadercycle as Jason now calls them). It makes me feel better to think maybe I can do the same. Not the motorcycle part but that I can get better again like Steve Guttenburg. And I might be able to fake a New Zealand accent for a bit. Who knows. Just have to get there.
I could recap day by day but we don't need to take a day trip to Snooze County. It was just a really bad few days. I've had TWO bad days before but not 5 in a row. Low grade up and down fever from about Wednesday night until Saturday late. Had another one of those 4:00 am "is this what dying feels like?" moments on Friday. That is a terribly selfish thing to say because I am CERTAIN my fever and aches are no comparison to the pain and fear millions of people go through daily, but when you are on meds, scared, tired and sick it's hard not to think a little on the dark side. (Just had a lovely vision of Hixx singing On the Dark Side at karaoke years ago...that made me smile).
Jason was very nervous every time I would sit up in bed and groan and then take my temp. I've come to learn that he really fears and hates fevers. I know he was gearing up for an ER trip every time that stupid thermom was in my mouth. The thing is they say don't come in if fever is under 100 but the minute it hits 101 get your butt into the ER so it's these crazy Vegas style odds but not as fun and glittery and CERTAINLY no roller coasters or pools in wacky shapes. So that thermometer became my enemy and best friend all at once. I still can hear its stupid beeping in my head. It's like NAM!!!!!! hahaha it's not like Nam.
I would lay on the futon (special sick time bed) and email my dad from my phone with almost hourly updates. Not telling him or Jason how bad I was feeling would have saved them both some stress but it felt dangerous to lie or play it down.
So then on Saturday the fever started to go down a smidge and then the bone pain started in every inch of my body and I lost it. Matt and Anne and Elizabeth were on their way over to check on us and say hi and about 2 minutes before they got there I lost my mind and started bawling on Jason. Like a crazy person. All of a sudden HAD to have my wig on even though everyone has seen me without it. And I just cried and cried and RIGHT then the doorbell rang so I ran into the bathroom to try and get it together. I was trying to put on make up but couldn't because my eyes were just squirting water. And they truly looked crazy to me. I'm sure that was the meds but I wanted to get that down on blog paper because it was such an odd moment with myself, alone. My friend Megan had a nightmare once that she was crying so hard that her pupils broke and started leaking black down her face. Of course that didn't happen but it looked like it was about to. Plus I've gained so much face weight from the steroids and non-activity and blech...it was just not me for five terrifying seconds.
I put on my wig and some lipstick and just kind of gave up. Jason and Matt gave Anne and me some time to talk. And in usual Anne form she knew what to do and say. I spilt some beans, like the fact that I have two treatments left gives me zero comfort after this last treatment. I know it's great and almost done but in my head and heart I feel like "What???? I HAVE TWO TREATMENTS LEFT STILL?????". But that will ease and pass I think. Like I said, just a little shaken but not broken or anything.
It will all get done, and in my calmer moments I feel that peace and believe it.
Saturday....not so much.
Everyone did just what their sweet hearts always do....patted my back, held my hand, hugged me, cooked for me, reminded me to take my meds and rest and not push it....so once again I was very much "love bubbled". Thank God. I kept thinking of that woman I met in chemo with stage four bone cancer talking about how she takes a PACE bus to and from her treatments. Who pats her back? Who makes her chicken on the grill? Breaks my heart a million times to think the answer is no one. Hopefully I'm just being dramatic and it's not the answer for her.
SO there you go. DRAMA!!!!!!! But I had to get it all out. Good with the bad and so forth.
I've been thinking a lot of old movies that are terrible but that I love and I keep wanting to find a DVD version of Don't Tell Her It's Me (also released under the name Boyfriend School) starring the Gute and Buffy from Square Pegs. It's about a guy who gets cancer and has chemo and then gets all hot and tan and buff afterwards and pretends to be from New Zealand and learns to ride a motorcycle (roadercycle as Jason now calls them). It makes me feel better to think maybe I can do the same. Not the motorcycle part but that I can get better again like Steve Guttenburg. And I might be able to fake a New Zealand accent for a bit. Who knows. Just have to get there.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
blargh
Not such a good round. The treatment went fine and we love our nurse, Isabelle, more and more. She is so gentle and sweet but no holds barred too. Love her. I'm on a hug hello program with my fellowship oncologist and a hug good-bye program with Isabelle. You know how much that means to me. Because you know I watch and not EVERYONE gets hugs. I'm just saying is all......:)
I made friends with a woman named Linda who sat next to me. She was very ill but wanted to chat so we did. She had breast cancer years ago and then due to some kind of other illness (I think she said a blood disease) her cancer came back in her bones and liver. Stage 4. Heartbreaking but what a spirit and heart. She was saying that sometimes she gets so mad she has to throw things. I told her I threw a binder and a shoe during my cancer ride and she thought that was pretty funny.
So the day of was great, but I could tell the minute I got home that I wasn't doing so hot. Just exhausted to the point of not being able to move. And that has not cleared up yet. Dr. Shell said that as I get through this last half of treatments I will find that I don't bounce back as quickly so it's normal, but is hard. I hate being behind at work and I hate sleeping all day and night but never really feeling better.
BUT only two more of the really bad buggers left. Then just the one bag until January and that won't take my hair or energy. The only side effect of that drug is high blood pressure and bloody nose. I will take both over how I feel right now any day of the week.
So just checking in. Feeling okay emotionally, just craptacular physically.
I am still in awe, everyday, of my friends and family. The calls, the check ins, the cards, the gifts, the emails, the facebook posts....just nothing but love. It sure does help.
I think this is all taking a toll on Jason too, how could it not? He does such a great job of taking care of me but forgets about himself I think. He could probably use a good week in bed too, poor guy.
Ah well....such is the adventure.
Love and kittens,
Crescent
I made friends with a woman named Linda who sat next to me. She was very ill but wanted to chat so we did. She had breast cancer years ago and then due to some kind of other illness (I think she said a blood disease) her cancer came back in her bones and liver. Stage 4. Heartbreaking but what a spirit and heart. She was saying that sometimes she gets so mad she has to throw things. I told her I threw a binder and a shoe during my cancer ride and she thought that was pretty funny.
So the day of was great, but I could tell the minute I got home that I wasn't doing so hot. Just exhausted to the point of not being able to move. And that has not cleared up yet. Dr. Shell said that as I get through this last half of treatments I will find that I don't bounce back as quickly so it's normal, but is hard. I hate being behind at work and I hate sleeping all day and night but never really feeling better.
BUT only two more of the really bad buggers left. Then just the one bag until January and that won't take my hair or energy. The only side effect of that drug is high blood pressure and bloody nose. I will take both over how I feel right now any day of the week.
So just checking in. Feeling okay emotionally, just craptacular physically.
I am still in awe, everyday, of my friends and family. The calls, the check ins, the cards, the gifts, the emails, the facebook posts....just nothing but love. It sure does help.
I think this is all taking a toll on Jason too, how could it not? He does such a great job of taking care of me but forgets about himself I think. He could probably use a good week in bed too, poor guy.
Ah well....such is the adventure.
Love and kittens,
Crescent
Friday, March 19, 2010
Protégé
My dear friend, Heather has decided to give ancient art of rubber ball banding a try! Go Heather!!!!!
Let's all support her efforts as her rubber band ball grows.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Springy.
This weather is the KNEES, man! I love it!
Although it gives me crazy baby fever and I just can't have that right now. I just looked at baby names for twenty minutes. Why would I do that to myself? All of a sudden I realized that is just not something I can daydream about right now because when I snap out of it my heart and insides feel like someone has tarred and feathered them without the feathers. I know it's good to be hopeful but I don't think I even have room for that right now. I am going to just try very hard not to cry about it and to just enjoy all the other babies I get to know.
Other than THAT I really am doing great today! I feel good and besides a crazy bad nose bleed that would've made George Romero faint this day has rocked so far.
And as usual, purging a little after my baby name binge has helped sort my brain out.
Although it gives me crazy baby fever and I just can't have that right now. I just looked at baby names for twenty minutes. Why would I do that to myself? All of a sudden I realized that is just not something I can daydream about right now because when I snap out of it my heart and insides feel like someone has tarred and feathered them without the feathers. I know it's good to be hopeful but I don't think I even have room for that right now. I am going to just try very hard not to cry about it and to just enjoy all the other babies I get to know.
Other than THAT I really am doing great today! I feel good and besides a crazy bad nose bleed that would've made George Romero faint this day has rocked so far.
And as usual, purging a little after my baby name binge has helped sort my brain out.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Nightmare!
Speaking of dreams....last night I had a bunch of bad ones, like one where I got my chemo treatment but they forgot the Benadryl in my vein beforehand so I started having a seizure and my boss wanted me to work anyway.
But by far.....the worst dream of the night....I dreamed I got to work and my rubber band ball fell apart in my hands. Needless to say I nearly kissed it when I got to work and it was sturdy and glorius as ever. I even gave it a good couple bounces on the floor just to make sure.
But by far.....the worst dream of the night....I dreamed I got to work and my rubber band ball fell apart in my hands. Needless to say I nearly kissed it when I got to work and it was sturdy and glorius as ever. I even gave it a good couple bounces on the floor just to make sure.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Best. Present. Ever.
Remember Top Cops? Here's the blog entry about it if you don't, but honestly...how could you forget?
The Dream: Jim Carey and John Candy! It was called Cop Tops and I gotta tell you it was hilarious. In one scene they had broken into a suspect's house who also happened to be some kind of scientist that made poisons and stuff. Jim Carey was the goofier one and he grabbed what looked like a grape slushie from the fridge and started drinking it. They were tip-toeing through this tiny hall way when John Candy turned around and saw what Jim (I call him Jim now) was drinking and started yelling at him and hitting him quietly with his hat then goes "is it good?" and Jim goes "yeah you want some?" and Candy goes "yeah just pour a little in my mouth." hahahahahahah I mean you had to see it but it was so funny to me. It was great comic dream timing I have to say. What a team they made. Sigh.
Look what my friend Mickey did.
Am.az.ing.
This, litteraly, made my week. I was JUST telling Jason that I think what needs to come out of all this is me being on TV or something. This is getting me closer!
The Dream: Jim Carey and John Candy! It was called Cop Tops and I gotta tell you it was hilarious. In one scene they had broken into a suspect's house who also happened to be some kind of scientist that made poisons and stuff. Jim Carey was the goofier one and he grabbed what looked like a grape slushie from the fridge and started drinking it. They were tip-toeing through this tiny hall way when John Candy turned around and saw what Jim (I call him Jim now) was drinking and started yelling at him and hitting him quietly with his hat then goes "is it good?" and Jim goes "yeah you want some?" and Candy goes "yeah just pour a little in my mouth." hahahahahahah I mean you had to see it but it was so funny to me. It was great comic dream timing I have to say. What a team they made. Sigh.
Look what my friend Mickey did.
Am.az.ing.
This, litteraly, made my week. I was JUST telling Jason that I think what needs to come out of all this is me being on TV or something. This is getting me closer!
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
IMPORTANT NEWS!
My rubber band ball is really getting big! I started it in October. My goal is for it to match my head size. I really am starting to think I can achieve this!
Dream big, my friends. If it is to be...it is up to me. Remember this.
Kittens,
Crescent
Friday, March 05, 2010
a powerful thought
I just had a moment, while writing to my Dad, of total and complete awareness for how much I love the hand I was dealt in life. Yes, this year kind of sucks, but I just got totally overwhelmed with the people....so many people that love me and MAN do I love them back.
Anyway, just wanted to say that to the universe.
"thank you for my life.....I forgot how BIG....." Joe in Joe vs. the Volcano
Anyway, just wanted to say that to the universe.
"thank you for my life.....I forgot how BIG....." Joe in Joe vs. the Volcano
Monday, March 01, 2010
Round 3
Look we winter grilled last night. We are trying to force the spring issue in the Prah family.
Great weekend. Had tons of fun with my brother-in-law, Jeffrey. He goes by Jeff but I like calling him Jeffrey. Makes me feel like a big sister.
AND I got to spend my Saturday with one of my oldest and dearest friends, Julie. We have been best friends since about 1985. 1985!!!! That's nuts. She's an inspiration and a blast to be around. I wish she still lived up the street.
So yeah...tomorrow is treatment three. I would be lying like a rug if I said I wasn't totally nervous about it after the last time. But I think they have it figured out so I won't have the reaction again, and regardless they are giving me more sedatives in my drip so I have a feeling my nerves will be gone pretty quickly.
The funny thing is that I have started looking forward to my treatment days ONLY because Jason and I get a whole day together just the two of us. It's twisted but true. I like that we have our little traditions like stopping at Starbucks for coffees and bagels. That we listen to upbeat classic rock, usually, on the drive so things don't feel too heavy. That we pack my pink backpack with movies and our DVD player and granola bars the night before. I'm like my dad that way though, I enjoy a good hunker down. I used to be able to see the sheer joy in my dad's eyes when there was a tornado warning and we were all home. He'd get the TV all set up in the basement and we'd have iced tea or something....it just became cozy and fun somehow. Even though it was...you know...A TORNADO WARNING!
It's not a bad way to get through stuff though. Hunker down with people you love and watch some DVDs until the storm passes.
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