In Vein.....

Yesterday a sad thing happened in the chemo room...well TWO sad things happened but one was very dark and real and awful and I don't feel like thinking about it anymore. Needless to say there were some very ill people in there yesterday which seems to go without saying but some days.....man. It's worse some days than others is all.

BUT back to me me me...so I have this vein. He lived in my wrist just under my right thumb. He was strong and has held up for the 20 some treatments I've had. Yesterday he finally blew. I noticed that it hurt more than usual when Isabell was putting the needle in but then after some painful pushing she got it in. Then when she went to do the saline flush the preceeds the Avastin drip he basically exploded. Blood blood blood all over. Super gross. I immediatly YELLED out "OH NO!! MY GOOD VEIN!" like I'd stepped on my glasses or something. (note:Crescent doesn't even WEAR glasses...she's a LIAR). Isabell found that to be hysterical but I was quite serious. I loved that vein. It never bruised and really never hurt too much. He was a trooper. I was hoping he could stick (pun pun pun pun alert!) out the last few treatments with me but it was his time.

Alive

I just had lunch with Eva, one of my favorite people on the planet. Smart, hilarious, insightful, likes football...just love her. We ate big and when I left I felt like I needed about 49 more hours to finish our discussions. People like that rule and I'm blessed with a lot of them in my life.

Anyway, we were talking about how shaken up I was by Elizabeth Edwards death. Of course a lot of it was just being so sorry that she was gone and admiring her spirit. But there was a very selfish side to my feelings.....her cancer had been taken care of..in remission...they got it all out.....then it came back. In her bones. I don't like that one bit. It scares the living shit out of me. Every pain I have sends me into a hotflash of nerves....picturing the cells spreading. Or I think of my mom...wondering...ugh...just wondering. I can't even say it.

This is normal, I realize that. But it's hard. It shocks you awake at 3am with a giant lump in your throat (is that lump cancer????) no it's just the sobs. (Not to be confused with the S.O.B.s....those guys are jerks.) It paralyzes you when you get a shooting pain in your breast during a staff meeting. It removes every ounce of trust you had in anything ever being easy or safe again. It may be easy here and there...but it won't stay easy. Knowing that is hard. It's sad sometimes. Makes me feel like all my little girl cells are gone forever.

It also infuses every moment of my seemingly normal day with weight and beauty that runs so deep that it starts to feel like my blood. It makes me crazy excited to be home and warm and watching our awesome TV with the cat and my husband after a long day at work. It makes coffee taste better than ever. It makes me laugh so hard at my friends jokes that I cry. It makes me look at Jason and see him with a clarity and love that I've never known. It makes me feel alive. From stem to stern....alive. That is a gift. A Christmas miracle if you will...and you WILL...or ELSE.

There is a picture of me from last Christmas Eve sitting at the table waiting for everyone to come in for dinner. I look pale, lost, unhealthy and terrified. I had good reason but it's a horrible picture. Someone took it during the short moment where I let my guard down and thought no one was looking. The rest of the day I spent trying to seem as happy as possible, but I was "white knucklin' it" as J and I say.

The magical thing is that this year I am happy. For real. I'm still terrified but I'm truly happy.

I will be with my mom who needs us right now. I will be with my dad who needs us right now. They will be with me because I need them right now. It's a lovely little thing called unconditional love. We has it (sic). There's not a single guarantee but there's love. Thank God for that or we'd all be curled up in a ball waiting for the next kick to the gut.

So here's to Christmas. Whatever your beliefs....whatever you celebrate I'll bet dollars to donuts it's about love. That's the spirit. That's the real reason for the season.

And MAN do I love you guys. All of you. Thank you again for being my reason for happiness this year. My reason for being okay even when I'm not. No matter what is next I still have it all.

my fortune

I just had a conversation via gchat with one of my oldest and dearest friends. I asked her for a favor...something that would be a help to my family. It wasn't that she said yes that moved me it was how she said yes. Not only was there no hesitation in her reply but there was a joy to it that reduced me to tears. This has happened so much this year. I don't even know where to put it. That feeling of being sad and worried and helpless then having these people...these friends that just say "here you go" and then "what else would help?"

Not to get all George Baily on everyone, but man...it makes me feel so rich and full.

I'm going to find a way to make millions and when I do I'm taking all of you to a warm and pretty place for a month.